The new road ahead...

I don't know what to really make of this. Maybe it just really hasn't kicked in yet. It's just that usually it has already kicked in by now. The sadness of leaving a place/people I love.

I don't really understand it. Please don't think that it's because I don't love Berlin or the people I'm leaving behind there. I do. A LOT. And I'm going to miss them all more than words can say. But somehow, my heart is at peace.

I think it's because it was my decision, not something that was forced upon me. Or maybe it's just the fact that the road ahead is so exciting, so exactly what I've always wanted to do, that my excitement for the future keeps me going and carries me through the sadness of what I'm leaving behind. I don't know...

But either way, I don't think I've ever experienced a *departure* in such a peaceful, almost happy, way.

If you're reading this, please grab a glass full of some sort of drinkable liquid, and raise your glass to me and the new adventures that await me. And thank you all for being a part of my life... you guys are what makes living worth while. :)

Unexpected...

Sometimes the most random and unexpected things happen, and you barely know how to react...

I'm leaving Berlin in two days... and I was definitely not expecting to meet some wonderful, amazing people and have so little time to spend with them...

But such is life... Serendipity! Carpe Diem!! Be happy for this moment... THIS moment is your life...

wait... I think I heard that last one before.... ;)

Life is great.... even if it's hard sometimes....

Leaving....

I'm leaving in 2 weeks. And I can already recognize that familiar taste in my mouth, the bitter taste of goodbye.

I hate this!!! I really do hate it. Not knowing when/if I'll see my friends again. And knowing that I won't be here for Movie Nights, or Birthdays, that I won't be able to walk 50m to the store and buy all the cheese I can possibly eat, nor all the chocolate.

I know these may seem like banalities, but sometimes those little things just get you. Really.

There's also the other problem. The most dreaded task of all times, and something that has plagued my existence for 13 years: packing.

I have to pack most of my stuff and send it home through the mail (and hopefully ahead of me) because obviously no luggage limit in the world will allow me to take all my crap. I already have 4 boxes packed, but they're not evenly packed, which means I'm gonna have to open them up, and re-organize most of it. Oh joy!!

But at least... at the very least... my moving back to Brazil means I won't have to 'pack' again for a while... (and no, of course this doesn't include stuffing 3 shirts and 2 pants into a backpack to go for a short trip somewhere!!! which I've become so good at, I can do with my eyes closed and in under 5 minutes...)

(I wanted this post to reflect how I feel... but it doesn't. I guess it's hard to put it into words... but if you've left a place/people you love, I'm sure you know how it is...)

One Month...

One month...

In exactly one month I will be 30 years old. Scary thought.

It occurred to me that this might be my mid-life. My father died at the age of 57 of a fatal stroke. I’m certain he didn’t think he was living his mid-life when he was 30. We never know when we will die. This has put a lot of things in a different light. I’ve seen things from a different perspective.

I have taken time these last few months to reflect on my life, what I have accomplished, what I haven’t, and what my real dreams are. I was surprised with what I found.

Someone said to me lately that our experiences in life keep repeating themselves until we learn the lesson we need to learn from them. I realized how true that is, and how it was about time I learned my lesson once and for all.

For those of you who know me even a little bit, you know that for the last 13 years I have not lived in my home country (Brazil) and have not wanted to. Much to the contrary, I’d say to whoever wanted to hear that I would never live there again.

The truth is, I’ve been running away from ‘home’ for too long now. Yes, Brazil is my home. Whether I like it or not, that’s where I was born, that’s where I grew up, and that’s where my roots are. I’ve been really good at adapting to my surroundings, blending with the culture of the country I happen to be living in at the moment. Maybe it’s time I stop adapting. Maybe it’s time I spend that energy in growing, and pursuing my real dreams. Maybe it’s time for the prodigal daughter to go back home...

So it is with a bit of fear, and a bit of excitement, that I tell you all that I will be moving permanently* back to Brazil in the beginning of August.

Wish me luck, and come visit!!! :)                       

*Don’t hold me accountable if I change my mind 6 months from now. I’m a woman after all, it’s my prerogative to change my mind as many times as I want! :) :) :) 

Society...

I just watched "Into the Wild" again.

It's such a beautiful, powerful movie for me. And I don't mean in the cheese way that everybody talks about, the open road, let's go traveling, whatever. Sure, there's some beautiful scenery, and it definitely brings home the fact that there are too many beautiful places in the world that deserve to be seen, but I already know that.

I think to me, the most striking part of the movie is the contrast between the beginning, when he's traveling around and spending lots of time alone, and even says to Ron that he's wrong if he thinks that happiness comes from human contact-- to the end of the movie, where possibly his last written words were "happiness only real when shared."

Yes, society might have its problems... and our interactions with the people around us might be complicated and chaotic at times, but we will never be happy without having someone to share it with.

Languages and such...

Just a quick note on the topic of languages... how funny is it that the same word can mean completely different things in different languages?

Check out the following example:

Word: "Hell"
Definition in English: Underworld, place of fire, Satan, etc.
Definition in German: Light, bright, luminous-- as in "I love summer! It's 9pm and still 'light' out.

It gets even funnier when you have the same word in the same language, but different regionalisms change its meaning. For example:

Portuguese Word: "Puto"
Definition in Portugal: little boy
Definition in Brazil: male prostitute

And there are thousands of examples... (let's not even mention the Spanish word "concha") yeah, some funnier than others... :)

It's just one more adventure in the process of learning a new language. I love it!

Rehab...

I'm a junkie. Really. I need to get checked into a Rehab facility as soon as possible.

Don't be too surprised, if you're reading this, chances are you're a junkie too... and no, I'm not doing drugs.

Let me explain: I'm a technology junkie.

Next week I'm going to Thailand. I've been looking forward to this trip for months now, and I can't wait to be out in the sun and sea enjoying the beauty and tranquility of islands and nature.

However, every time I think of the fact that I'm not taking my computer, my heart skips a beat. I'm serious, it's that bad. I feel like a junkie looking for her next fix, even though I still have the computer under my fingertips. Literally. And the more I realize how addicted I am, the more I am certain that I have to leave the computer at home.

I'm actually sure that once I'm there, I won't even think of the computer, I'll be too busy enjoying everything around me to remember that machines, computers, phones, even electricity, exist.

But I'm sad to realize what a sad state of affairs I'm in right now. Seven years ago when I went to Thailand the first time, I didn't even own a laptop. I was in Thailand for 6 weeks and checked my email maybe 5 times. Now the first thing I do when I wake up is turn on the computer, and the last thing I do before I fall asleep is turn it off...

So yes, I'm in need of rehab. And I hope that when I come back, I'll be able to control my urges and give myself more and more "unplugged" time. I need it. Maybe you need it too...

Pillows and such...

I've been thinking a lot about the whole concept of "home" lately. I've lived in so many places, so many different countries, continents, houses, apartments, and traveled to so many more, that I could honestly not count the amount of beds I've slept on or the number of pillows I've laid my head on at night.

There are people who can't sleep well if they're not in their own bed. That never really happened to me. I'm so used to being homeless, that whenever asked "Where is home?" I usually answer "wherever I lay my head at night..." That's been true for the last 12 years, at least.

It's funny, because when I was a kid, I wanted to live in Brasilia my whole life. I always wanted to travel and see the world, but I had never considered living elsewhere... Brasilia is where I was born, and where I grew up. The weather is wonderful, the scenery is beautiful, there's a lot of natural beauty around and plenty of places to explore outside the city. The city itself is quite small for a capital, and I know it better than the palm of my own hand. I know it so well that you can probably take a random picture of any corner of the city, show it to me, and I can tell you exactly where it is. No joke. For the first half of my life, it was definitely "home".

It lost the title of "home" when I moved away and discovered that there were other places in this world where I felt more at home than there. Places where I "fit" better, although I've started to discover that maybe it's more due to the fact that I'm as adaptable as a chameleon, than to the actual environment around me. But during the last 12 years, I had gone to the other extreme and said that I definitely did NOT want to live there.

However, I don't know if it's because I'm growing old (yes, happens to the best [and the worst] of us), or because I've grown tired of change, or simply because the weather is getting to me and I miss the warmth of the sun on my skin... but lately everytime I think of "home", Brasilia comes to mind. Ironic, isn't it?

Does the prodigal son always come home? Will there be a party if he does?

...Something to think about...

Expectations...

I realized something today... well, no, that's not exactly right. I had thought of this before. "This" being the fact that you can only be disappointed and get annoyed at people when you have expectations from them. Today I experienced it.

I was annoyed at someone because I had expected them to do something, which they did not. Then all of a sudden, it wasn't that I stopped to think about it or anything, it just came to my mind "but why did I expect them to do that anyway? There's no specific need for it, or rule saying they should. So if I don't have a specific reason to expect them to do it, I don't have a valid reason to be annoyed by the fact they didn't do it." That synopsis took only a split second in my brain, and just like that, my annoyance vanished.

I was kind of astonished that all it took was that split-second realization...

Sometimes we can un-complicate our own lives without even trying... just by adjusting our thinking and our attitudes towards something.

It was a good day. :)

p.s.: and I just realized that my last post was titled "annoyed". However, that was a different situation, I was annoyed at stupid people who did things wrong or not at all, when they were paid to do it. It was a work thing, and since I had to fix what they had done wrong, or do what they hadn't done, I was completely right to be annoyed...

Annoyed

I'm very annoyed today. Stupid people are everywhere.

I think that's the biggest problem for evolution to solve. If natural selection were really that good, shouldn't it have eliminated all the stupid people already???

Blah.